The Evolution of Christmas

The time period between Thanksgiving and New Years has always been my favorite time of the year.  I love everything about it...I love the decorations, the lights, the music, the movies, the fellowship with family and friends, and the overall feeling of love and good will.  It is a time to reflect on how thankful we are for all that God has given us and to celebrate the birth of Christ.  My house is so cozy this time of the year and usually people just seem happier.  For my family, this year is very different.

We are in the middle of a season of "firsts" without Kacie.  Our first Thanksgiving without her silly antics as we cut up the bread for stuffing and watch the Macy's Parade.  Our first year of Christmas shopping for only five kids instead of six. Our first time ringing in the New Year with a very new way of looking at things. Our first time trying to celebrate with a heart of grief. I thought that I would be much stronger going through this season but it turns out that it has been much harder than I anticipated.  Not only is Kacie not here anymore, but it seems like everything about our Christmas is different this year.  Even the 65 degree weather outside (in Ohio) is a huge reminder that my ideal Christmas is not in the cards.  As I sit here and reflect on all the changes that have happened since last year, I find myself reminiscing about Christmases past and how Christmas has changed for me through the years. 

This is Me...

I don't really have a whole lot of memories from my childhood, but I do remember Christmas.  We had presents galore, tons of traditions and always so much fun.  As I got older, I sang in the choir at church for years and always loved the candlelight service on Christmas Eve. For as long as I can remember, my family has always had an amazing Christmas party. When I was a kid, we would sing songs as my uncle played the ukulele or my aunt played the piano and we would harmonize along with the Osmond's. It was a huge deal and the best part of Christmas. As my loved ones passed away, things changed.  No more ukelele, no more piano.  Many family members have been added and many are gone; the party has evolved along with our family dynamics.  We still have it but feels different now that we are all older. 



My mom always made Christmas really special in our house.  She is a big part of why it is so special to me now I think.  She taught me and my siblings all the Christmas songs that she had listened to as a child. I have watched the same Christmas shows and movies for the last forty years and, in turn, have passed those things onto my kids.  I love those aspects of Christmas that are consistent in my life, yet even those have changed some as each generation has added some new music and shows to the list.  Hearing my kids sing along to Andy Williams and the songs from White Christmas thrills my heart but Harry Connick, Jr. and Michael Buble Christmas music has been added to the list of traditions that my kids will hopefully pass on. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Elf, and Hallmark movies are just as much a part of our season now as Rudolf and Charlie Brown...and the B.E. Taylor Christmas concert has also now become one of my favorite Christmas traditions.  

 
The way I have decorated has also changed as I have moved from house to house; my porch has changed, my tree has changed and my taste has changed. Although there are certain special items that will always be displayed no matter where life may lead me, Christmas in our house looks different and will continue to change as we grow older.  



Aging has already brought about many changes regarding the holidays.  When I got married, Christmas changed significantly.  I had to merge my traditions with his and compromise on the way we celebrated.  This meant I didn't always get to do the things I was used to doing and going to the places I was used to going.  For me, this was tough. I had to learn to embrace change and let go of some traditions that were dear to me while learning to value someone else's traditions and ideals.  I think most people can identify with this.  

Having been married more than once changed things even more. Now, the way we celebrate has to be a mixture of several different families' traditions.  It also means that we have had to start our own traditions with our kids in a way that works for our family.  For us, Christmas looks different each year and that is hard to get used to.   The kids have to split time between different houses and parents which makes traditional Christmas mornings few and far between.  Since our kids are all older now, there is no more Santa, no more milk and cookies and not many toys.  The kids are not always excited to spend time doing family things or watching old movies and the old songs that I am so used to do not have the same nostalgia for them as they do for me.  Being deeply rooted in family traditions, seeing the changes as our lives change is difficult to accept for me. 

For the last several years, Christmas has undergone major changes in our lives.  Two years ago, we spent Christmas in a hospital room on the cancer floor of Children's Hospital.  We ate hospital food instead of party food and watched our daughter suffer instead of shop. Our kids were scattered and scared. Last year, Kacie was on hospice.  

I had to shop for her knowing she would not be around to even use the gifts. I cannot begin to explain how difficult that was.  Our Christmas morning was full of heartache and tears yet somehow was also full of joy and peace.  In the midst of the underlying sorrow we were all feeling, we watched movies and shows, baked cookies and strung popcorn.  Last year, my best Christmas memories ever were made even though we faced the most difficult circumstances that a family can face.  




This year is even more different than ever before for us.  Kacie has been gone now for seven months and the grief is overwhelming. The practical aspects of Christmas bring tears as well.  When shopping, I found myself reaching for things she would have liked and then realizing I did not need to buy them.  I still hung her stocking even though I know that it will never again be filled. This year, putting up the decorations felt different...the songs and shows have taken on a different meaning. 

This year, due to unforeseen circumstances, our always highly anticipated family Christmas party was cancelled. This year, because we are a blended family, four of our children are spending Christmas with their other parents. To accommodate this, we already opened most of our gifts with them before they left.  On Christmas morning, only my oldest (who is not a kid anymore) will be home.  Without Kacie, there an apparent void that will always be present even when we are all home.   We are experiencing a lonely feeling as we anticipate the coming weeks.  For the first time ever, I find myself ready for Christmas to be over and struggling to enjoy the season. The traditions and family events that I have depended on all my life have left me empty this year and I find myself searching for strength and hope to make it through what is usually the "most wonderful time of the year."

As I have spent time pondering all this, a very important lesson emerged.  Seeing the changes that have occurred  since celebrating Christmas as a child, I realize that change is always going to be a natural part of life.  Christmas and its traditions will continue to evolve as life brings about changes and challenges.  I treasure the parts of Christmas that I have been able to hold onto all these years, but I know that there was much of it that I also had to let go of.  As much as I love tradition, especially at Christmas, I realize that most of the things that I have grown to love and cherish about Christmas are not the most important parts of the season at all.  

In the midst of all the changes, there is only one thing about Christmas that has always been and will always be constant and that is Christ.  Christmas is celebrated because Christ came to earth as a baby in order to set us free from our sin.  He came to change all of eternity.  Christ came to bring us hope, to bring comfort, to bring joy.  Christmas is ultimately not about our traditions, our music, our movies, decorations or parties.  It isn't about Santa or trees or family gatherings.  All of those things can bring happiness and make Christmas more fun, but they are temporary and insignificant in the grand scheme of life.  They can leave us empty when we are faced with the most difficult times in life.   True joy only comes through Christ.  I have learned that we can celebrate Christ even in a hospital room or with a heart that is overwhelmed by grief.   We can celebrate Him even when we are lonely or when things just don't seem to be going right at all.  No matter what circumstances we find ourselves in each Christmas,  no matter how much Christmas changes for us,  no matter how tough life gets, the hope found in Christ is enough to carry us through.  This Christmas, when everything else seems to be missing for me, the true reason to celebrate still exists.  I am sure that next year, the traditions I have come to treasure will be a little easier to celebrate and will once again enhance the Christmas season.  But this year, I needed to remind myself that those things are meant to enhance the Christmas season, not be the centerpiece.  When all the other aspects of Christmas evolve, only Christ remains unchanged. At Christmas and each day throughout the year, may my heart be sustained only by my Savior.