The Walking Dead

Millions of people tune in every Sunday night to watch AMC's The Walking Dead.  If you have never watched it, the show depicts a small group of people who were once mostly strangers that have banded together to survive the zombie apocalypse.  As you can imagine, they have faced such challenges as finding food and medicines, securing shelter and transportation, acquiring and learning to use weapons, losing loved ones, learning to defend themselves from the "walkers" (zombies) and other groups of survivors that threaten their existence and learning how to adapt to a life that is completely removed from the the way it used to be.  The terrors they have encountered in the show's five seasons have been unthinkable. Sometimes, it is difficult to watch the gore and violence not to mention the suffering and heartache they face but I find myself so drawn into their stories and struggles, into routing for them to beat the seemingly impossible odds and make it.  Apparently, I am not alone in this because, according to Wikipedia online, it is the "most-watched drama series telecast in cable history." 

  There are a few groups on the show.  First, there are the "walkers" who wander aimlessly, having no real human characteristics like emotion or the ability to think. They simply roam from place to place following any signs of life to feed on.  Their existence seems meaningless since their spirit and soul are gone yet they provide a constant threat to everyone who is fighting for survival. Then, there are the others, the living (if you could call it living).  They are constantly on guard, looking over their shoulder, unable to sleep or rest without wondering what obstacle is just around the corner. They are tired and weary from the battle; hungry and sleep-deprived, scared, paranoid and waiting for the next threat to surface.  Fight or flight has become their new norm.  One by one they see members of their group, some of them family members, losing the battle.  They have become numb to the loss and grief and accept it now as part of their existence.  They have no choice.  They have had to create a whole new life centered around survival: their old lives are completely gone and they can barely remember life before this unknown plague began.  They have no promise of tomorrow and yet they continue on...  

 
I can draw so many parallels between my life and the lives of the characters of the WD. Maybe that is why I keep watching it each week. I can identify with both groups on the show.  Most days lately, I feel like a zombie.  Mindless, disheveled, numb to my surroundings, going through the motions and wandering from place to place doing the essentials, in some ways appearing alive but feeling somewhat dead at the same time.  Having a child with terminal cancer will do that to a person. I think it comes with the territory and it is understandable that anyone in this situation will have days when they feel like this.  However, if I am not careful, I can get caught up in this persona.  I can let the cancer and the stress suck the life and spirit right out of me.  Me being in this type of mindset is a threat to the people around me who are trying to live despite all the obstacles around us.  In the last few weeks, I have really had some tough days...coincidentally, I sprained my back and developed bursitis in my hips so I even have the zombie walk going on right now...funny but not funny I know.

Most days in the last two years since Kacie's diagnosis, I found myself on the other side of the fight. Surviving, battling, refusing to become a zombie. That type of existence becomes very exhausting though.  Just like Rick Grimes, Daryl Dixon, Michonne and the other members of living group on The Walking Dead, I have been in a constant state of fight or flight, keeping a bag packed at all times to head to the hospital in a moment's notice.  I never know what obstacles I will face each day or when I will lose the one I have been fighting so hard to save.  I am definitely weary from the battle, sleep-deprived, scared and paranoid.  Despite all of the uncertainties that surround each day, I am trying to make the best of the hand I have been dealt and to build a new life with new norms. Like Rick's group on the show, I barely remember what life used to be like before the cancer hit.  There is not an area of my life that has not been affected by the cancer in some way.  

I believe both groups of characters could be given the title "The Walking Dead." They are both stuck in a state between life and death... and that's how it feels to have a child on hospice.  This is the hardest journey I have ever had to navigate.  There is not much time or space for emotion when you have to deal with daily responsibilities and obstacles that surface constantly, yet the emotion is suffocating me from the inside because it has no place to go.  It is heart-wrenching to have to decide whether to beg for one more day with your child or to pray for God's mercy to end the suffering that is unbearable to watch and for her to endure.  Not knowing how to feel or act and having no promise of tomorrow, I continue on...


Some people would be surprised that a Christian would choose to watch a show like The Walking Dead.  I have actually been chastised by some people for watching it and I understand this viewpoint.  It definitely does not have a shortage of blood and guts; however, neither have the real-life scenarios that I have witnessed in the last two years with Kacie.  The show actually has much more depth to it than just the gore and thankfully so does my life.  The show's characters depict how to be resilient in the face of adversity and how to learn to adapt to life's challenges no matter what they are.  I can relate to them and have followed their journey since the beginning. Oddly, I have learned a lot from these fictitious characters and will be interested to see where their journey takes them next season.  As for where this journey is going to take me in the next season of life, I have many unanswered questions and fears.  I literally have no idea what tomorrow brings yet I do have some things that Rick and his friends on The Walking Dead do not have...I serve a God who does know what tomorrow holds; no matter what this life brings, no matter how much adversity or how challenging it gets, I have HOPE that the ending will be worth it (Romans 8:18).  He NEVER promised that this life would be easy or free of pain, but He did promise never to leave us (Deut. 31:8).  God knows how I feel on the days when I feel like a zombie.  When I am wondering aimlessly and going through the motions, He is guiding me and ordering my steps (Psalm 37:23). Although I feel like I am dead inside sometimes, I know that I am alive in Christ (Galatians 2:20) and when my strength is almost gone, His is perfect and His grace is sufficient (2 Corinth. 12:9).  God has equipped us with all the weapons we need to handle any of life's challenges (Ephesians 6:10-18) and I would rather have these than Daryl's crossbow or Michonne's sword any day.