
We are in the middle of a season of "firsts" without Kacie. Our first Thanksgiving without her silly antics as we cut up the bread for stuffing and watch the Macy's Parade. Our first year of Christmas shopping for only five kids instead of six. Our first time ringing in the New Year with a very new way of looking at things. Our first time trying to celebrate with a heart of grief. I thought that I would be much stronger going through this season but it turns out that it has been much harder than I anticipated. Not only is Kacie not here anymore, but it seems like everything about our Christmas is different this year. Even the 65 degree weather outside (in Ohio) is a huge reminder that my ideal Christmas is not in the cards. As I sit here and reflect on all the changes that have happened since last year, I find myself reminiscing about Christmases past and how Christmas has changed for me through the years.

I don't really have a whole lot of memories from my childhood, but I do remember Christmas. We had presents galore, tons of traditions and always so much fun. As I got older, I sang in the choir at church for years and always loved the candlelight service on Christmas Eve. For as long as I can remember, my family has always had an amazing Christmas party. When I was a kid, we would sing songs as my uncle played the ukulele or my aunt played the piano and we would harmonize along with the Osmond's. It was a huge deal and the best part of Christmas. As my loved ones passed away, things changed. No more ukelele, no more piano. Many family members have been added and many are gone; the party has evolved along with our family dynamics. We still have it but feels different now that we are all older.

My mom always made Christmas really special in our house. She is a big part of why it is so special to me now I think. She taught me and my siblings all the Christmas songs that she had listened to as a child. I have watched the same Christmas shows and movies for the last forty years and, in turn, have passed those things onto my kids. I love those aspects of Christmas that are consistent in my life, yet even those have changed some as each generation has added some new music and shows to the list. Hearing my kids sing along to Andy Williams and the songs from White Christmas thrills my heart but Harry Connick, Jr. and Michael Buble Christmas music has been added to the list of traditions that my kids will hopefully pass on. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Elf, and Hallmark movies are just as much a part of our season now as Rudolf and Charlie Brown...and the B.E. Taylor Christmas concert has also now become one of my favorite Christmas traditions.
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This is Me... |

I don't really have a whole lot of memories from my childhood, but I do remember Christmas. We had presents galore, tons of traditions and always so much fun. As I got older, I sang in the choir at church for years and always loved the candlelight service on Christmas Eve. For as long as I can remember, my family has always had an amazing Christmas party. When I was a kid, we would sing songs as my uncle played the ukulele or my aunt played the piano and we would harmonize along with the Osmond's. It was a huge deal and the best part of Christmas. As my loved ones passed away, things changed. No more ukelele, no more piano. Many family members have been added and many are gone; the party has evolved along with our family dynamics. We still have it but feels different now that we are all older.

My mom always made Christmas really special in our house. She is a big part of why it is so special to me now I think. She taught me and my siblings all the Christmas songs that she had listened to as a child. I have watched the same Christmas shows and movies for the last forty years and, in turn, have passed those things onto my kids. I love those aspects of Christmas that are consistent in my life, yet even those have changed some as each generation has added some new music and shows to the list. Hearing my kids sing along to Andy Williams and the songs from White Christmas thrills my heart but Harry Connick, Jr. and Michael Buble Christmas music has been added to the list of traditions that my kids will hopefully pass on. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Elf, and Hallmark movies are just as much a part of our season now as Rudolf and Charlie Brown...and the B.E. Taylor Christmas concert has also now become one of my favorite Christmas traditions.


The way I have decorated has also changed as I have moved from house to house; my porch has changed, my tree has changed and my taste has changed. Although there are certain special items that will always be displayed no matter where life may lead me, Christmas in our house looks different and will continue to change as we grow older.
Aging has already brought about many changes regarding the holidays. When I got married, Christmas changed significantly. I had to merge my traditions with his and compromise on the way we celebrated. This meant I didn't always get to do the things I was used to doing and going to the places I was used to going. For me, this was tough. I had to learn to embrace change and let go of some traditions that were dear to me while learning to value someone else's traditions and ideals. I think most people can identify with this.


For the last several years, Christmas has undergone major changes in our lives. Two years ago, we spent Christmas in a hospital room on the cancer floor of Children's Hospital. We ate hospital food instead of party food and watched our daughter suffer instead of shop. Our kids were scattered and scared. Last year, Kacie was on hospice.



As I have spent time pondering all this, a very important lesson emerged. Seeing the changes that have occurred since celebrating Christmas as a child, I realize that change is always going to be a natural part of life. Christmas and its traditions will continue to evolve as life brings about changes and challenges. I treasure the parts of Christmas that I have been able to hold onto all these years, but I know that there was much of it that I also had to let go of. As much as I love tradition, especially at Christmas, I realize that most of the things that I have grown to love and cherish about Christmas are not the most important parts of the season at all.

1 comment:
Mandy.... What can I say but that is beautiful......as I read with tears flowing down my face, I need to say I. Am so sorry for your sadness this year.... I don't even have the right words to express my sympathy for you....you are an inspiration to me that all the traditions meant so much to you. I pray that you can find Gods peace Ina little bit of this Christmas. I love you so much...💞Mom
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